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Insurance is no Different from Gambling

Insurance is no Different from Gambling

Please read this quickly and come and save me from the insurance guys who will gang up to teach me a lesson by probably having me fed to lions.

By show of hands, how many of you have lost money thanks to Manchester United messing up your multiple bet on sportpesa, elitebet or bet365? And now, by show of hands, how many of you have lost money to insurance guys? Ignore the questions and read on…

Gambling is very similar to insurance. Allow me to explain.

If you visit any betting sites, you will find odds of a certain event happening. The odds are stochastic in nature. They may be decimal, fractional or as a ratio. To put it simply, if we are working with tossing a coin. The probability of getting either a head or a tail is 1/2. The odds will be 1:1 (as a ratio) or 2.0 as a decimal. This technically means if you put a bet of Kshs. 100, and you win, you will walk away with Kshs. 200.

The logic is simple, if you take an infinite number of people and ask them to toss a coin, half will get a head. If the win is getting a head, then the half that will get the head will win what the other half that got the tail lost. Let’s say 100 people each put up a bet of Kshs 100 on whether they will get a head or a tail. In total, Kshs. 10,000 is collected. The coin is tossed and it’s a head. According to probability theories, about 50 people will win the bet and as such, paying them 200 each will cost Kshs. 10,000 or the total of what has been collected.

Of course in real life, betting sites will load their profits and overhead costs. In most sites, something whose likelihood of happening is the same as the likelihood of not happening; like tossing a coin or practically, which football team will start a game (which is depended on a coin toss) is normally put at 1.83 instead of 2.0. In the example above, a bet of 100 will earn winners Kshs. 183 (not 200). The Kshs. 17 is for the house’s (or betting site’s) profits as well as anomalies and outliers. Yes, the house always wins!

So what happens with insurance? Pretty much the same. Some smart guys will calculate the probability of an event happening like the probability of a car getting an accident same way people will calculate the probability of Chelsea beating PSG today. I hear the probability is about 7% and as such, the odds would be 93:7 (or 14.29). In the betting scenario, if you placed a bet/stake of 100, and you win the bet, you would win Kshs. 1,429. If you lose the bet, you would lose the 100.

In the insurance scenario, they would call your stake premiums. Consequently, supposing the car is valued at Kshs. 1,000,000. You would pay premiums of Kshs. 70,000 (7% of the value of the car). This is your stake. Winning the bet is like getting into an accident. Supposing you do not, then you lose the bet and hence Kshs. 70,000 goes down the drain.

I am sure there are insurance agents heading towards me, ready to annihilate me, let me go into hiding.


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Play to Watch: Tune in to Murder

Play to Watch: Tune in to Murder

Royal Ensemble is a theater arts trend administered by individuals with breadth of creative work and experience under their belt. Their events and productions leave audiences wowed while providing memorable entertainment experiences that are comparable to no other. Royal Ensemble’s presentation style, while charismatic, is also authentic and professional so as to uphold quality which meets the expectations of audiences and the industry at large.

This February, Royal Ensemble presents yet another carefully crafted piece that is a must watch. The comedy thriller ‘Tune in to Murder’ is a story of a popular radio show host attempting to solve a murder, all the while airing the suspenseful events as they unfold.

 Synopsis: A KILLER is on the loose at the Royal ‘E’ Resort!……. and he is picking on celebrities who are vacationing in the lodge, one by one…..DIANE, who works at her Aunt’s Resort is caught in the middle of it all and her life is also in danger!!! A popular radio show host, BARRY MADOWO, must now race to the resort and save his fiancée before it is too late. Together they attempt to solve the mysterious disappearances of the rich & famous and catch the perpetrator…….What follows is an elaborately choreographed dance of shifting suspicions, and a thickening plot that will have audiences nail biting till the very end!!

Catch this spectacular play on 28th February 2015 at the Beacon of Hope Centre (Behind Maasai Mall), Ongata Rongai, from 7:00pm – 9:00pm. Tickets go for 500/= with limited spaces available. For bookings Contact Robert on 0724932185 or Calister on 0712781097

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Fourth Edition of Verse5ve Goes Down This Weekend

Fourth Edition of Verse5ve Goes Down This Weekend

The fourth edition of Verse5ve will be happening this February, 15th at Uptown Foods (Formerly known as “Kps”, Utalii House, situated behind Laico Regency). The event will feature performances from Annette Tenaya, LC, ChristCycoz amongst others.

Past Verse5ve Event

Past Verse5ve Event

While Groove Award nominees – Christ Cycoz – need no introduction, Kingdom Music’s new singing Sensation (Annette) is popular for the song “Jigambe.” LC, on the other hand is one of the pioneer female rappers, a legend in her own rights, and still doing music that is still relevant, regardless of the changes the sound has taken.

Othole is set to keep the crowd up and mingling with his superb mc’ing skills. Behind the decks will be DJ Sanch (Homeboyz radio’s and K24’s) and DJ Double O (Kubamba Krew’s) spinning the best of urban music.

Advance tickets go for Kshs. 200 while at the gate, you will be let in for Kshs. 300 only. Further details on the poster.#OnHer5ve


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The 31 Books to Read in 2015

The 31 Books to Read in 2015

Here is a list of the books you can read this year. Whether you are into motivational books, autobiographies, self help books or fiction, the list has you covered. Some books in the list will be released later on in the year.

  1. How to Fly a Horse by Kevin Ashton.
  2. Getting to Yes With Yourself by William Ury.
  3. Bold by Peter Diamandis and Steven Kotler.
  4. Yes, And by Kelly Leonard and Tom Yorton.
  5. Purity by Jonathan Franzen.
  6. The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate by Jacqueline Kelly.
  7. The XYZ Factor edited by Nancy Lublin and Alyssa Ruderman
  8. Another Bullshit Night in Suck City by Nick Flynn.
  9. Act Like a Leader, Think Like a Leader by Herminia Ibarra.
  10. All the Light we Cannot See by Anthony Doerr.
  11. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.
  12. Better than Before by Gretchen Rubin.
  13. The Buried Giant by Kazuo Ishiguro.
  14. Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel.
  15. The Dirty Life: A Memoir of Farming, Food, and Love by Kristin Kimball.
  16. Work Rules! by Laszlo Bock.
  17. The Startup Playbook: Secrets of the Fastest-Growing Startups from their Founding Entrepreneurs by David Kidder.
  18. A Brief History of Seven Killings by Marlon James.
  19. Surprise by Tania Luna and LeeAnn Renninger.
  20. God Help the Child by Toni Morrison.
  21. Creativity, Inc.: Overcoming the Unseen Forces that Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull.
  22. Flood of Fire by Amitav Ghosh.
  23. Redeployment by Phil Klay.
  24. In the Unlikely Event by Judy Blume.
  25. No One Understands you and What to do About it by Heidi Grant Halvorson
  26. True North by Bill George and Peter Sims.
  27. Chaos of the Senses by Ahlem Mosteghanemi, translated by Nancy Roberts.
  28. The Sixth Extinction: An Unnatural History by Elizabeth Kolbert.
  29. Mountains beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, A Man who Would Cure the World by Tracy Kidder.
  30. The Eureka Factor by John Kounios and Mark Beeman.
  31. Zero to One: Notes Startups, or How to Build the Future by Peter Thiel.
  32. A Spool of Blue Thread by Anne Tyler.

Are there other books that you can recommend? Let me know.


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27 TV Series to Watch in 2015

27 TV Series to Watch in 2015

Before the year becomes any older, here are some of the TV Series you should not miss.

agent-carter-tv-show

Source: denofgeek.us

Even if you aren’t a fan of Agents of SHIELD, if you dig the vibe that Marvel is putting out there, you should probably give Agent Carter a shot. Aside from the fact that it has a cast that includes Hayley Atwell and Dominic Cooper as Agent Carter and Howard Stark, respectively, it’s the show that will be least bound to the Marvel Cinematic Universe in terms of its storytelling.

Girls‘ cultural footprint may be larger than its actual viewership, but there’s still plenty to admire about Lena Dunham’s unique depiction of life and love in your twenties. Season four takes a bold step by shifting the narrative away from Brooklyn, as Hannah Horvath (Dunham) begins a program at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop.

Another series taking its final bow, Parks and Recreation has survived low ratings with the help of a devout fan base and critical adoration for the fantastic ensemble cast led by renaissance woman Amy Poehler. After last spring’s season finale, which saw the series time-jump three years into the future where Leslie Knope is running the Midwest Regional office of the National Parks Service from the third floor of Pawnee City Hall while juggling triplets, the show’s final 13 episodes will serve as an extended, sweet send-off for our favorite fictional government employees.

It’s been more than a year since Walter White cooked his last batch of crystal meth, and AMC is returning to the world of Breaking Bad with Better Call Saul, a prequel series following the shady lawyer played by Bob Odenkirk in the original series. Messing with the history of a show as revered as Breaking Bad is a tricky prospect, but it’s also an intriguing one — and while Walter White and Jesse Pinkman aren’t slated to appear, viewers will be thrilled to see the return of fan-favorite character Mike Ehrmantraut (Jonathan Banks).

Source: denofgeek.us

Fans of Terry Gilliam’s classic time travel movie starring Bruce Willis and Madeleine Stowe have high expectations and perhaps a bit of trepidation regarding the 12 Monkeys series. Because the movie created such a masterful time loop, how can episodic TV reinvent this already stellar property?For four seasons, Shameless has followed the ups and downs of the blue-collar Gallagher family, led by the deadbeat patriarch Frank (William H. Macy). Season five picks up shortly after Fiona (Emmy Rossum), the most responsible member of the family, is released from prison, getting back to life as usual as she sorts through her family’s various dysfunctions.

We know House of Cards will return for a third season in 2015, we’re just not quite sure where this political thriller will head next. The British source material–their own “House of Cards”–has run out, leaving a completely new direction for creator Beau Willimon to take Kevin Spacey’s Francis Underwood.

Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn may not be Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey, but hey, we didn’t know what Woody and Matt could do in True Detective until we saw them unleashed. Nic Pizzolatto’s underworld crime drama will have a new cast and a new landscape next season.

Source: denofgeek.us

Source: denofgeek.us

Portalandia, IFC’s sketch comedy series that’s part love letter, part skewering of the ecclectic city of Portland, Oregon has become one of the funniest and most heartfelt shows on television. Stars Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein can carry every sketch with their great chemistry and obvious appreciation for the alternative lifestyles that Portland showcases and embraces.

After much hand-wringing about how the series will proceed in adapting the next two books by George R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss have seemingly decided to squeeze them both together. For book readers, this means a shameful walk through the streets of King’s Landing is coming earlier than expected, and for those who have elected not to read the text, rest assured that after this year, book readers will no longer have a one-up on you in spoilers.

Last season’s Archer was an experiment in escalating story tension with plot threads that carried over from week to week. Yet, we’re all hoping that the only tension for January’s triumphant return of Sterling Archer, aka Codename: Duchess, is how Mallory will rebrand the spy agency formerly known as Isis.

The books and stories of Elmore Leonard have long been among Hollywood’s favourite sources of adaptation — but there’s never been anything as impressive as Justified, which successfully improves upon Leonard’s original conception of U.S. marshal Raylan Givens, who appeared in several of his novels. Timothy Olyphant gets top billing, but he’s equaled by Walton Goggins as Boyd Crowder, a grandiose, speechifying criminal who serves as Raylan’s greatest threat and occasional ally.

Source: denofgeek.us

Source: denofgeek.us

FX’s thrilling Cold War drama, often described as the best show nobody’s watching, deserves every bit of critical acclaim that’s been thrown at it. The Americans has the darkness and moral complexity to stand up alongside TV’s best dramas, and the nail-biting tension of its twisty narrative only stands to increase in its third season.

The Gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has come a long way over the past ten years making it one of the longest running and most reliable comedies on television

Other TV Series worth looking at are:

  1. How to Get Away With Murder
  2. Gotham
  3. The Big Bang Theory
  4. Helix
  5. The Whispers
  6. The Good Wife
  7. Black Sails
  8. Community
  9. Backstrom
  10. Mad Men
  11. Fresh off the Boat
  12. NCIS: New Orleans
  13. Aquarius
  14. Hannibal
  15. Scorpion.

Any TV Series I have left out? Let me know.

Other Sources: www.denofgeek.us and www.theweek.com


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Submission Phase of the 2015 BAKE Awards Now Open

Submission Phase of the 2015 BAKE Awards Now Open

The Bloggers Association of Kenya (BAKE) on Friday announced the launch of its fourth annual Kenyan Blog Awards. These awards recognize exceptional Kenyan bloggers that have great and useful content presented in a creative and innovative format.

The 2015 BAKE Kenyan Blog Awards will have 18 categories. This comes after the addition of one new category, a “Best Education Blog” category. This category will reward blogs about education matters and those run by educational institutions.

The inaugural BAKE Blog Awards was held in 2012 and it had 14 categories; best technology, photography, creative writing, business, food, agriculture, fashion, politics, sports, general and corporate blogs as well as giving out awards for the “tweeps” of the year. 300 blogs were submitted and 10,000 people voted. The gala event to award the winners was held on 5th May 2012 at the Nairobi Serena.

The second edition of the awards which were held in 2013 and had 15 categories. The ‘Lifestyle/Entertainment’, ‘Blog of the Year’ & ‘Travel Blog’ were added as categories and the two Twitter categories i.e. Best Individual Tweep & Best Corporate Tweep. Over 500 blogs were submitted and 50,000 people voted. The gala event to awards the winners was on 4th May 2013 at Southern Sun Mayfair Nairobi.

In 2014 the awards were held at Intercontinental Hotel Nairobi and it had 17 categories. 2 new categories “Best County Blog’ and ‘Best Health Blog” were added. Over 800 blogs were submitted and more than 50,000 voted in the 2014 awards. The 2014 awards produced a tie on the Best Sports Blog category which was a first for the awards.

The timeline for the awards will be as follows:

  1. Submission phase – January 9th 2015 to February 18th 2015
  2. Judging phase – February 19th 2015 to February 28th 2015
  3. Online voting – March 2nd 2015 to April 30th 2015.
  4. Winners Gala Event -May 2nd 2015.

This year, the awards will have 18 categories with the addition of ‘Best Education Blog’.

  1. Best Technology Blog
  2. Best Photography Blog
  3. Best Creative Writing Blog
  4. Best Business Blog
  5. Best Food Blog
  6. Best Environmental/Agricultural Blog
  7. Best Fashion/Beauty/Hair/Style Blog
  8. Best Politics Blog
  9. Best New Blog
  10. Best Corporate Blog
  11. Best Topical Blog
  12. Best Sports Blog
  13. Best Entertainment/Lifestyle Blog
  14. Best Education Blog
  15. Best Travel Blog
  16. Best Health Blog
  17. Best County Blog
  18. Kenyan Blog of the Year

To submit blogs into the competition, bloggers and fans of bloggers should visit blogawards.co.ke/submit.

For more information on the 2015 BAKE Kenyan Blog Awards kindly visit blogawards.co.ke


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The 23 Movies You Must Watch in 2015

The 23 Movies You Must Watch in 2015

This year promises to be a wonderful year for movie lovers, and here is a list of some of the movies to look forward to:

Entourage_film_2015_poster1. Entourage is a comedy-drama film that serves as a continuation of the HBO TV series of the same name. It stars the principal cast of the show, including Kevin Connolly, Adrian Grenier, Kevin Dillon, Jerry Ferrara, and Jeremy Piven. The film is scheduled to be released on June 5, 2015.

2. Furious 7 (previously known as Fast & Furious 7) is an American action thriller sequel to the 2013 Fast & Furious 6 film. It stars Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Lucas Black and Jason Statham.  Furious 7 is set for release on April 3, 2015.

3. If animation is your thing, then look out for Inside Out set to be released on June 19, 2015. The film’s voice cast features Amy Poehler, Lewis Black, Mindy Kaling, Bill Hader and Phyllis Smith. Watch the trailer here:

4. Pan is a fantasy film that stars Hugh Jackman, Garrett Hedlund, Rooney Mara, Amanda Seyfried, and Levi Miller as the titular character. It is an origin story of Peter Pan and Captain Hook, and is due for release in July 2015.

5. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2, is a science fiction war film staring Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Woody Harrelson, Robert Knepper and many others. It is the second of two cinematic parts based on the novel Mockingjay, the final book in the Hunger Games trilogy and the fourth and final installment in The Hunger Games film series. It will be released in November 2015.

Ant-Man_poster6. Ant-Man is an American superhero film based on the Marvel Comics characters of the same name. It stars Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, Corey Stoll, Bobby Cannavale and Michael Peña. It will be released on July 17, 2015.

7. Another superhero film based on the Marvel Comics superhero team, the Avengers will be out on May 1, 2015. Avengers: Age of the Ultron stars Robert Downey, Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson amongst others. Watch the trailer here:

8. Cinderella is an American live action romantic fantasy film starring  Cate Blanchett as Lady Tremaine (The Wicked Stepmother) with Lily James essaying the title role as Ella (“Cinderella”), Richard Madden as Kit, Sophie McShera as Drizella and Holliday Grainger as Anastasia. The movie comes out on March 13, 2015.

FSOG-teaser (1)9. Fifty Shades of Grey is an upcoming American erotic/romantic drama film to be released a day before Valentines Day. The film stars Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson.

10. In the Heart of the Sea is a biographical thriller film starring Chris Hemsworth, Cillian Murphy, and Tom Holland. It is based on Nathaniel Philbrick’s 2000 book In the Heart of the Sea, about the sinking of the whaleship Essex. The film is scheduled for release on March 15, 2015.

11. The Divergent Series: Insurgent is a science fiction action film based on Insurgent, the second book in the Divergent trilogy, written by Veronica Roth. The movie stars Shailene Woodley, Theo James, Octavia Spencer, Jai Courtney, Ray Stevenson amongst others. Here is the trailer.

12. Jurassic World is an American 3D science fiction adventure film. It is the fourth installment in the Jurassic Park film series. The film is scheduled to be released on June 12, 2015.

Other movies to look forward to are:

13. Mad Max: Fury Road (released May 15, 2015).

14. Mission: Impossible 5 (December 25, 2015).

15. Spectre (November 6, 2015).

16. Star Wars: The Force Awakens (December 18, 2015).

17. Terminator: Genisys (July 1, 2015).

18. The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (February 6, 2015).

19. Tomorrowland (May 22, 2015).

20. Blackhat.

21. Fantastic Four.

22. Maze Runner (Scorch Trials).

23. Pitch Perfect 2 (May 15, 2015)

24. Pixels.

 

That is the list of some of the biggest movies to look forward to this year. Which movies are you looking forward to the most? Is there any movie I have not included in the list? Do let me know.


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19 Must Have Christian Music Albums of 2015

19 Must Have Christian Music Albums of 2015

Someone once said that life would have been interesting if music played in the background. Luckily, you can now have music playing in the background at almost every moment: in your car (if you own one), in a jav heading home (either using a music player or listening to the jav’s music) etc.

Here are some of the international Christian albums that were released (mostly) last year that you can get:

Anomaly.jpeg

Anomaly – Lecrae

1. Anomaly – Lecrae: This is Lecrae’s seventh hip hop album. The album was released on 9th September 2014 and has songs like Nuthin, Fear and All I Want is YouAll I Want is You is nominated for the 2015 Grammy Awards in the Best Rap Performance category while Messengers is nominated in the Best Contemporary Christian Music Song.

2. Church Clothes Vol 2 is the second mixtape by Lecrae, released on November 7, 2013. It follows Lecrae’s previous mixtape, Church Clothes, and Grammy Award-winning full-length album Gravity, both of which came out in 2012. The album has songs such as Round of Applause and I’m Turnt.

3. Never Land is an EP by hip hop artist Andy Mineo released on 28th January 2014. The EP has tracks like You Can’t Stop Me and Never Land. Below is a video of Never Land.

Thrive

Thrive

4. TRIVE is the sixth studio album by American Christian rock band Casting Crowns, Released on January 28, 2014. The album has songs like All You’ve Ever Wanted and Thrive.

5. WOW Hits 2014 is a two-disc compilation album composed of some of the biggest hits on Christian radio in 2013. The album was released on 24 September 2014 and has songs like Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin, Jesus Friend of Sinners by Casting Crowns and Jesus in Disguise by Brandon Heath.

6. Best Days is the third studio album by Tamela Mann, released on August 14, 2012. The album has the song Take Me to the King, written by Kirk Franklin. Listen to the song below:

7. Welcome to the New is the eighth studio album from Christian rock band MercyMe, which was released on April 8, 2014. The album has songs like Shake and Greater.

Erica-Campbell_Help_CD

Help

8. Help is the debut studio album by Mary Mary recording artist Erica Campbell and was released on March 25, 2014. This is Erica Campbell’s debut studio album without her sister Tina Campbell. The album’s release was preceded by the singles A Little More Jesus, Help and You Are.

9. Rivers in the Wasteland is the fifth studio album from American rock band Needtobreathe, released on April 15, 2014. The album has songs like The Heart, Difference Maker and State I’m In.

10. Grace is the first major-label studio album by Tasha Cobbs. The album was released on 2 February 2003 and has songs like Grace and Break Every Chain which won a Grammy in 2014.

Other albums include:

11. Wow Gospel 2014 by Various Artists.

12. Zion by Hillsong.

13. Restart by Newsboys.

14. Live Through It by James Fortune & FIYA.

15. Rise by Skillet.

16. Fading West by Switchfoot.

17. Greater Than by Tye Tribett.

18. Overcomer by Mandisa.

19. Withholding Nothing by William McDowell.

20. Ready To Fly by Jamie Grace.


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Tis The Sun

Tis The Sun

“What’s the matter?” I whispered after I realised he was restless and fidgety.

“Tis the sun,” he whispered back. “I am certain!”

How exactly do you console someone who had buried two wives and seven children within the last year, all murdered? Yet here we were, at the funeral of his second wife. He had become immune to emotional pain having lost his entire family. More of families, as he had two wives. Yet the sun – which was not even scorching hot according to my standards -still troubled him.

The sun then proceeded to explode with a loud bang; you would think the gods were not happy with the funeral. A warm liquid splashed over my face and my legs, for the first time in a long while, crumbled with the expectation of having to carry my weight. My body had no option but to obey and head towards the ground at a speed faster than the speed of gravity.

No sooner had my body made contact with the ground than I knew I was still alive. They say when you hear the gunshot, chances are, you are still alive. There was this heavy thing pinning me down. I pushed it aside as I gained composure. I had only heard one gunshot. I picked myself up, and looked around.

It was silent. Still. Peaceful! More than half the people were lying on the ground. A few others were rushing towards me. They seemed to be running but they were not getting where I was. ‘Could I have been shot? What’s this warm liquid on my face?’ I asked myself. My mind alerted my now heavy body that I needed to turn around. That is when I saw Kamau’s lifeless body: Him who had come to bury the only remaining member of his family.

Kamau, was a wealthy man. A billionaire. Death, on the other hand, is – like God – not a respecter of persons. When the children of his first wife were murdered in quick succession within the first months of this year, the second wife was the prime suspect. Once his first family was gone, the children of the second wife started dying. It did not matter the security measures he put in place, it was all in vain. All were murdered!

It was only one shot, to his head. The blood on my face was his. It was those assassinations like things that you see in movies. I am no doctor, but rarely do people survive after being shot on the head. What happens when someone is shot in a funeral? Do you rush him to hospital as others continue with the funeral? I was in the party of those who rushed him to hospital. Something in my pocket where I always keep my phone kept vibrating. I did not let my mind distract me with trivial matters such as a phone call. Kamau was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.

The vibration of my phone brought me back to reality. Eleven missed calls, all from Kirui and two text messages. I looked at the first message:

My sun will never die,

My sun will forever shine,

My son is my sun!

The only person I knew who used to say those words had been dead twelve years. Kamau had had Wafula killed after he threatened to expose the illegal deal that had made us overnight millionaires. I had heard that his son had joined the army. Then it hit me that Kamau’s last words may have been in reference to Wafula’s son and not the sun. I knew my family was being targeted next. I had to get them somewhere safe.

I read the next text. It was from Kirui, who had been at the funeral. He also benefited from the deal. Kirui was not one to text unless it really warranted. His text was simple:

Your wife has been shot bro. Sorry.


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KFC Opens The First Drive-Thru Restaurant

KFC Opens The First Drive-Thru Restaurant

KFC

International fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) opened the country’s first drive-thru restaurant on Monday. The restaurant is located along Mombasa Road, at the Total Service Station near Airtel Kenya.

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The launch was witnessed by the KFC Managing Director, Justin Melvin and the Total Managing Director, Ada Eze. The MC was none other than the funny Chipukeezy from Mulolongo. In the house was also H_art the Band, who entertained the guests with their hit song, ‘Uliza Kiatu’ among other songs.

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The launch was to be an outdoor event but the sudden morning rain had other ideas. Consequently, they had to make it an indoor event. Luckily, the newest KFC outlet is spacious enough and we were not that squeezed.

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The drive-thru outlet’s biggest selling point is the drive through feature, where the target is three minutes between the point of entry and the point of exit with a meal. However, the inside of the restaurant is also as awesome.

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I was impressed by how they had utilized the space. The seating arrangement was superb, the lighting was magnificent and the seats and tables lovely.

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The Mombasa Road outlet marks an important partnership between Total and KFC with another outlet to be opened later in the month along Limuru Road.

The KFC operations Manager, Patrick Meme took us on a tour of what happens behind the scenes where there was a lot to be learnt. For example, about 75% of the products that are used by KFC are sourced locally (with Kenchic providing chicken, Cocacola providing the sodas etc). The frozen chips (used to make fries) are however imported from Egypt. There are plans to have the frozen chips sourced locally from next year though.

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In guaranteeing fresh products, uncooked chicken only stays in the freezer for a maximum of 48 hours. Any chicken that stays longer than that is discarded. Moreover, any cooked chicken has to be sold within one and a half hours after being prepared. It takes less than 15 minutes for chicken to be cooked while fries take only 4 minutes.

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Patrick explained how they value their staff. Every staff is trained on everything, meaning the person at the cashier can also cook and so on. Even the managers like himself started by knowing how everything happens in the background. Most importantly, most managers are locals.

The Mombasa Road outlet has a staff of about 35. Patrick explained that every staff member works for strictly eight hours per shift then they are released to go home.

I had a taste of the chicken and it was delicious.

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This article was first published on potentash.com

Photography is not my strong points, and the jiggermajigger thingy I use to take the photos was made in 1902 and hence, it does not help my cause.


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Belonging in Africa

Belonging in Africa

Lesleigh Kenya is proud to announce the release of the ebook, Belonging In Africa by Jo Alkemade.

Belonging in Africa is a coming of age story. Sara is a young girl who falls in love with her perfect man, but things do not go the way she hopes. From the comfort of her home in Kenya to the new world she meets in Uganda, Sara is met with challenges she must overcome.

Belonging in Africa is available on Kindle, iPhone, desktop PC, Nook, or any device of your choice. It can be downloaded at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/490783 from anywhere in the world for only $3.99.

You can also get the ebook by getting in touch with Lesleigh Kenya on 0725 836 533.

About the Author

Jo Alkemade Author photo 2 credits Aya TrevinoJo Alkemade has an MA in English Language and Literature from Leiden University in the Netherlands, with a major in African Studies, helped lay the foundation for “Belonging in Africa”.

In 2008, Jo Alkemade wrote the children’s book: “Jennifer and Jojo: Friends Forever”, published by Kenya Literature Bureau and approved by the Kenya Institute of Education for classroom use. Various short stories have been published in online magazines, and in the anthology “Short and Happy (or not)”.

After a lifetime of globetrotting, Jo has settled in a small town just south of Santa Fe, New Mexico in the USA. Kenya continues to hold a special place in her heart, and she visits whenever she can.


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[POEM] You Were My First

[POEM] You Were My First

I don’t know your name

But you were my first

I can barely remember your face

But you were my first

The scars tell it all, you were my first

Everything I imagined about how it was to be magical

But all that comes to mind was it was brutal

‘Cause you were my first

Instead of soft petals and candle light

I got hard rock and diminishing moon light

You were my first

I always wanted to cuddle and sleep in his arms after we were through

But instead I lay there with you on top of me, wishing all this would be through

‘Cause you were my first

I cried myself to sleep for nights on end, I still do

I even have goose bumps when I walk alone ’cause I fear you’d come out of nowhere and I’d go through the torment again

I still fear being close to a man

‘Cause I think if you did it then someone else can

I don’t long for a man’s touch

‘Cause somehow, one year down the line I still hurt

I don’t long for God’s gift to a married couple anymore

Mine was wrapped for years and you came and tore it apart, and now I don’t have any gift to give to my husband anymore

It was brutally taken away from me

Part of me is dead because of the ordeal

And even though I want to talk to someone about it ’cause every time I think about it, the image is too real

I don’t cry anymore, those tears were enough

Its like you also tore away my tear ducts

No, I haven’t forgiven you

Yes, I have tried

But even if I do the images are like imprints on my mind

So I write this for some closure

To try and find some healing

And hope it will last

All this, ’cause you were my first.

This poem was written by Susan Mukami.

About the Author: Susan says, “I’m pretty straight foward (at times). God over everything. Coffee and oreos come second. I sometimes prefer the company of dogs to people. Writing is my escape.”

Follow Susan on twitter: @s_mukami24


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Dough Maker

Dough Maker

‘Mukami, you know you’re a very good girl, but this time you have let me down. Why were you bullying the young girl? Even if you’re almost going home, you do not break the rules.’ He said all these as he slowly caressed my behind. First with the cane, then with his hands. He had been at it for about two minutes now and I had begun feeling uncomfortable. I kept asking myself ‘Is he really doing what I think he is or is my mind lying to me’. I started panicking, wondering how I was going to get out of the situation, wondering what he was going to do to me next… Then my mind drifted to the events of last night, drifted to what led to the situation I was in.

It all started the eve of the night before closing school. Now, if you’ve ever been in Western or Nyanza boarding schools you’d know how much excitement is in the air on nights before days such as visiting or closing. We’d call it Clonye. Goodness, how shady we were! The ruckus and mayhem that filled the air was indescribable. It was like being released from prison and in that moment nothing else mattered except the fact that we were going home. All the grub (that’s what we’d call snacks) that had stayed hidden for about three months, was brought out, loaves of bread and our favorite small rounded mandazis otherwise called madwara bought and different flavours of juice mixed and we would have mini parties of sorts. Even the meanest of persons freely shared their food on clonye eve.

It was in this mood of celebration that I walked by one of the younger students and accidentally hit her cup of juice and all its contents spilled. She started screaming while saying I did it on purpose. I tried to convince her that I really did not mean to do it. She’d hear none of it and promised that I would pay for it the next day. Well seeing as my apologies were getting me nowhere, I went on with my festivities. Surely she wouldn’t report me for such a minor incident. Right? RIGHT?

WRONG. The next day about 11 am I was summoned to the Senior Teacher, Mr. Will’s office. I had forgotten about the previous night’s events by then. ‘What could he want from me on the last day of school surely?’ I wondered to myself as I walked hurriedly to his office. I was soon answered when I saw her standing there with a smug look on her face. The little b!+(h had actually reported me over a cup of juice! Mr. Will immediately began questioning me on what happened. I narrated my side of the story and emphasized that I had apologized. He then asked me to lie down and dismissed the little thing. At this point I knew I was getting caned ON THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. Yes people, we used to be caned on our butts, mercilessly!

‘You know you’re a very nice girl mmhh, don’t cry.’ He kept saying in an almost whisper. His voice brought me back to my present situation. I’d not realized that I had started crying. He kept on playing with my behind. Each side at a time, sometimes slightly pressing them in, as if he was kneading dough. This went on for about 10 minutes. I was so scared. There was no one else around, it was quiet except for my terrified sniffles. My cry was not because he caned me, because he hadn’t, plus after two years of being caned on the ass I was a kausha, no way would a few strokes make me cry. I was crying because a part of me knew that what he was doing was not right. I was crying because even at that tender age I knew I was being violated and there was nothing I could do about it. I was crying because I was scared and kept expecting the worse. I was crying because I kept wondering why me, what is it about me? You see this was an all too familiar scene. It took me back, years before. But that’s a story for another day.

‘You can go and don’t tell anyone that I forgave you’. FORGAVE ME? I looked up. He stared back down at me with a stern look and in that moment a lot was communicated without any words uttered. I got up and left and didn’t tell anyone what horrible thing had happened to me in that office. I did not know how to even begin, would anyone believe me anyway? Who was I to run to? The hypocritical nuns we so detested? No. Once again, I resolved to carry it with me and tell it to no one… Until now.

I transferred from the school the following term. I was so grateful to my mum for this decision, and no it was not because of the incident. Months later, as I was catching up with a former school mate, she began filling me in how Mr. Will had been disgraced. Apparently I was not his only victim. And one of us, a Tanzanian, had had enough and reported it to her father. She told me how before he was transferred, whenever he walked around the school and students spotted him, they’d start shouting ‘Dough Maker’ because of the way he touched our bodies. I was grateful to the young girl who had the courage to speak up for those of us who did not. However I was sad that he had just been transferred because I knew for sure in a matter of time another young girl’s innocence would be robbed from her by one of her favorite teachers.

This post was written by a good friend of mine called Liv.


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I Played Chess with the Devil

I Played Chess with the Devil

Have you ever been in situations in which the only logical explanation is the hand of the devil himself, and no one else, not even his angels? If you have not, grab your pop corn and read on.

My name is Betty, and I once played chess with the devil himself. Just after high school, I was dating a nice guy called George. George was one of those husband material guys: Does not drink, does not party; and that is not to insinuate that guys who drink and party are not husband material. I, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. I was still young, heck still am.

My old man worked in a different town, and was hardly home. Then, I used to live with my older sister. Our other older siblings had already moved out, and my younger brother was in a boarding school. Sometimes, George would come visiting always when my dad was away. At other times, he would come visiting when my sister is at her boyfriend’s place. Focus here, stop looking at me with those bad eyes. We would just watch movies till late, then we would go sleep.

This one time, when George was around, my sister was conveniently at her boyfriend’s place and the house was all to ourselves, we (George and I) heard a knock on the door. My old man was scheduled to come in the following day, so I figured it must be the new estate guards. Being the cautious person that I am, I went to the balcony to check, and what I saw made my bladder weak. My dad’s car was packed up front. It was 8 PM!

The devil’s first ‘check!’

I kid you not, on another day, I would have broken a bone or five after falling from running down the stars, but the devil had other plans. So, I tell George, things are thick, go to the bedroom as we try to figure this out. I call my sister to tell her, the owner of the house has paid his children a surprise visit, but she is drunk as hell. Finally, I go to open the door, 15 minutes later. So for 15 minutes, the only thing I thought was, “George, go to the bedroom, we will figure this out!!!!

Today you have slept early?” is my old man’s greeting.

I did some laundry, and so I was tired, decided to sleep early.” I reply. And that was the beginning of tripping.

So far so good. I get some left over food, warm in the microwave, and he eats as we talk about nothing in particular and catch up.

Shouldn’t you get some rest?” I finally told him. The second mistake.

Is your sister asleep?” He asked, ignoring my plea to have him go to bed.

The devil’s second ‘check!’

She went to visit Carol (my other sister)!” I answered. He looked at me the way he normally looks at someone when he is sure you are lying to him. It did not matter much, one crisis had been averted.

For some reason, he had to read something, and his spectacles were in the car. He asked me to fetch them. So far, the devil has just been moving his pieces on the chess board waiting for the opportune moment to check-mate me.

It was a ritual that after removing clothes from the clothes-line, we would put them in my bedroom. My old man decided to get clothes for the following day – since he was flying out – from my bedroom. And the idiot in the room had locked the door from inside!

My trouble for getting the old man his glasses is repaid by, “Why have you locked the bedroom door?

The devil’s third ‘check!’

Laundry had been done by mama fua so I had to lock the bedrooms?” The thing with a lie you have not thought much about is, it is easy to contradict yourself.

Okay,” he said, “Get me my shirts I show you which ones you will iron for me!

He went to the living room, and I got my chance to ask George to open the door. I brought him the shirts, and he insisted some were missing. He got a bright idea from the devil to go get the shirts himself. My old man never enters my bedroom, but that day, the devil was working his magic.

On getting in, guess who is just there, shaking like he had been snowed on in Siberia?

I noticed something was going on here, how do you explain this?” my old man asked.

And, I can swear, I heard the devil say, “Check mate!”


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[Guest Post] Busted by @SamKitots

[Guest Post] Busted by @SamKitots

The phone beeped and I looked at it. I wasn’t too sure whether I wanted to read the message, but right there and then I knew I was in trouble. This had been going on for too long and now, as the saying goes, “when it rains, it pours”. I knew who it was that had messaged me, we were chatting only minutes before and it was quite cordial. But I didn’t expect that he would actually respond to my last message. Kind of the same way you would say, Cheers man, I’m off. Then the 5 minute wait and no response could only mean that you really need to be off.

I looked at the phone and debated in my head whether I should read the message. Then, my stomach sunk, I had waited too long. This game had been going on for too long. My heart raced, and my sweaty palms didn’t know what to do with the confusing signals my brain was sending. The car behind me honked its horn, the lights were green, I don’t know how long they had been green. I tossed the phone into the door pocket, a place I never toss my phone “FUCK! Now I am digging my grave” I thought as I sped off. I had to remember the way home. I had only been in this new city for three months. Wide, wide roads meant that you should know your lane way in advance.

The drive home was uneventful. My 3 year old daughter in the back seat was sweating bullets and aircon was not working. Windows open seemed to let more of the harsh sun striker her face more than the breeze from driving was helping her stay cool. After picking her from kindergarten, I dashed to go pick my husband who was oblivious to my state of mind. Things sort of seemed to clean themselves up as we drive home. My phone didn’t beep again and I was no longer in a panic. We decided to go for some late afternoon shopping and maybe an early dinner at a nearby restaurant; this meant I needed to get out of my work clothes.

We got home and he decided to stay in the car and watch the girl while I dash in to the house to change. I kicked off my red stiletto pumps and the red blouse. Got out of the uber short black skirt I had on. A quick peek in the mirror and I was happy. I know I was posing for the mirror, but I was happy I had my body back. The still birth earlier in the year had me damaged emotionally and physically. My figure was a mess back then. I jumped into my jeans and a tee. Nothing big was going on tonight. Geez, I didn’t put on my bra strap after taking that bathroom selfie for Frank. All fixed up, I went back to the car.

My stomach sunk when I looked into the car as I stepped out. “Bloody hell!!” my brain told me. I wore a smile but World War III was going on in my head as I argued with myself. Why the hell did I leave my phone in the car? And now Jim was going through my phone. “so where are we going shopping?” I asked my husband.

busted

“Who is Frank?” he asked with a very condescending tone.

I knew that was the next question, and I knew where the conversation was going most of all, I knew we weren’t going to go shopping or have dinner. I sucked it all in and knew this was where the rubber met the road, it was either another lie, or the truth. One of us was not sleeping at home tonight.

For awesome articles like this one, drop-by Sam’s blog samkitots.wordpress.com, and about.me/SamKitots


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Help Take Down This Facebook Page Swindling Kenyans

The Facebook page Kenyan Recipes Ebook is stealing recipes from Leo Tunapika and selling the recipes to people in the form of an E-Book, thereby using other people’s intellectual property to enrich themselves.

The first recipe in the Ebook is from Leotunapika’s post here. The second recipe from here while the third is from here. If you check throughout the book, ALL the recipes are stolen.

The owner of the page is one SAMUEL  NJOROGE MUCHOKI of number 0711149392. And shameless as he is, he does not change anything. Everything is as it is in the site, including the pictures.

When Samuel was asked about it a few months ago by the owner of Leo Tunapika (Gatuiri), he promised he would stop putting the recipes in his E-books.  However, he continued putting the recipes and Gatuiri had no choice but to contact BAKE (Bloggers Association for Kenyan Bloggers) for help.

BAKE did try to contact Samuel, but as soon as he knew it was people from BAKE, he put disconnected the phone call, and blocked their number. Thereafter, the temporarily removed the page from Facebook.

However, recently, he is put back the page, and he is still selling the ebook with someone else’s recipes. The recipes are FREE on Leotunapika.com and you need not buy them.

To teach this Samuel a lesson, and anyone out there who will sow where he has not reaped, how about we first of all report his page as Gatuiri is reviewing her options, which include legal action (as advised by BAKE).

 


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R.I.P. Betty

R.I.P. Betty

Hey to you, the few of you who still read this blog. It is August and the number of posts I have penned down  here this year is equal to any number raised to the power of zero then subtract that number by one. If mathematics was not your thing, then that equals to zero. The last time I took a hiatus, I was going through ish, and it took one ivorypunk to get me to write again.

She dropped me a DM and asked what was up. Now, to the few of you who have no idea who this is, this girl is up there with the best of the best writers. She is an editor with “the paper that smart people read.” I am not even worthy to remove the lid off her pen. (equivalent of untying shoe lases but in the writing world). Anyway, so where have I been? I do not know where to start. A friend of mine put this up as her profile pic. And that is where I will begin (oh, and forgive my French).

fuck cancer

It has been nine months and nine days since Betty went to be with the Lord, thanks to cancer. I already knew one or two things about cancer. This is what I wrote two years ago. Now, the cancer stats are on my finger tips. Cancer kills 50 people in Kenya daily. About 20 people are diagnosed with cancer every hour etc. Cancer, really, has to be fudged.

Who is Betty, you may ask. Well, she was the love of my life. I wrote about her here and here (how she died). For the first three months after she died, I sort of perfected my acting skills. You know that state where you smile because you are required to. Not many people knew what I was going through. I preferred it that way. Moving through the CBD was difficult. For some reason, everything sort of reminded me of her. And my memory being what it is, it did not help much. I remembered it all. Whenever I passed that beige National Archives building, it was a constant reminder of where we first met. I could remember where we had our first to our fifth dates and what she wore. I could remember how she tilted her head when replying to a text … every little detail about her.

Not once, not twice and not three times did I take out my phone to text her something funny that I had seen, only to realise she was no more. Reflex action, I guess. They say one of the best ways to get rid of someone in your head is to rid yourself of anything that reminds you of them. I, on the other hand did not do that. Her number is still saved in my phone (and head). Her photo is still the first thing I look at when I wake up as it is strategically placed on my bedroom table.

In the words of another friend of mine, “…Old father time is a great healer, (but sometimes you) just wish he would well bloody hurry about it!” Of course things are not as they used to. I can now genuinely smile. I have some  life returning to me. Things are better today than they were a month ago, and they will be better than they are now a month to come.

In marking the ninth month anniversary since she died, I visited the place we first had our first date. I was going to have lunch there, alone. Weird, I know. But that is me, the weird of all weird. Apparently, the place doesn’t exist anymore. Across the street was the place I first told her how I felt about her. Again, it was no more. Not even under new management. It is as is if these two places had gone with her. And so, I guess, it was time for me to let go. In stealing from the words of one Lemar:

You’ve broken the bond
I gotta move on
But how do I end this lonely feeling?
You’ve gone, I’m here, alone
I guess it’s time to grow

Moving on, last night, someone asked me, “By the way, why did you stop blogging? I remember that is how we became friends in the first place!”

Well, this is the answer that I want to give everyone who used to read this blog … If you have watched House of Cards, you will appreciate the way Frank Underwood narrates in the series. In the first episode of the second season, he does not do the narration till the very end when he says,

“You did not think I had forgotten about you, did you? I’m BACK!!!”


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The Day I Almost Led A Protest

The Day I Almost Led A Protest

FranklySpeaking_Soweto[1]

S/O to the Harvard student who faked a bomb threat this morning to get finals cancelled. Good to know smart kids are stressed too – @tayyq

One day I was, as usual, busy doing nothing and basically minding my own business as I waited for a lecturer to issue CAT questionnaire papers. No sooner had I seen the questions than it, momentarily, hit me that I may have accidentally stepped into a rocket science class? Of course it took a lot of convincing from my brain that the college I was at did not have a rocket science course and I could see my classmates; who were equally bemused at what the lecturer had set as exams. 

What followed was an uproor I had never seen. The lecturer – realising that he could be the cause of a major protest, which (as we all know) is always accompanied by damage of property – decided to give us the CAT as a take away. And everyone left happy. 

There are two types of people in campus. There are the sane ones. Then there are the idiots whose hands cannot stay down. They will raise their hands when the lecturer is just about to leave to ask an idiotic question like, “You forgot to collect the assignment you are yet to give us which I have done, or should I bring it to your office?” Sometimes, they even raise their hands just before the lecturer asks any question because they always know the answer. 

Back to my boring story. The second CAT was three weeks from the first CAT. The sane people spent three weeks doing different things while those who couldn’t keep their hands down spent the entire three weeks trying not to be surprised by the second CAT as the first one had. Some of us only remembered there was a CAT a day before the CAT. Based on the happenings of the first CAT, we got an idea which was flawless. We were going to stage a repeat of what had happened in the first CAT and get a takeaway, again. Clever, yes? 

I strategically sat at the front. Immediately the lecturer stepped in, there was a bigger uproor than the first time. And that was the first mistake. The lecture hall was charged. Some people were so intoxicated that their breath would make any alcoblow gadget malfunction. I tried signalling people to calm their tushies down and stick to the plan ie, start making noise after they get the questionnaire, but it was in vain. 

When all was calm, the lecturer proceeded to give out the papers. I got mine and pretended to look at it in disbelief. Just when I was about to raise my hand, the lecturer went like, “Greatrnk, I believe you have something to say!” Let me get a few facts out first. First, the lecturer had just blown my one and only chance of me raising my hand in his class. Second, the plan was that I was to raise my hand and tell the lecturer that the CAT was hard and we could not do it. Third, how the hell did the lecturer know my name? Fourth, there must have been a snitch somewhere!!!!! Fifth, the lecturer had just pulled a “Can’t-keep-my-hand-down” on me, a student!!!!! 

After a pin-drop silence, I finally found my tongue, and in a shrill voice, I was like, “I am sorry, sir, but we cannot do this CAT. You haven’t taught us these things!” I looked back at the class and gave them that, “Now would be a good time to make that noise!” signal. Everyone suspected, just as I did, that there must have been a snitch. Someone who couldn’t keep their hands down and their words in their mouth. 

The lecturer came towards me and declared, “But your neighbour here is already in question three!” Mistake number two, sitting next to one of those who cannot keep their hands down! Let’s just say that between the lecturer who manned me the whole time, and the chop who was constantly smiling as I was scratching my head, it was a long 1 hour!

EXTRA:

DURING EXAMS…Wakati wa exam invigilator anakam na kusema skip Q5 iko na shida yet io ndo ulikuwa umeangukia na umepata jibu….. – @munenelynx 

Uko exam room alafu chopi fulani anaitisha graph paper na ushamaliza paper na hujaona mahali inatumika. – @tintseh


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Now That You Could Not Avoid That Date

So last Friday, I was busy doing nothing, basically minding my own business when a friend of mine went to great lengths (greater than the lengths the Government is going to have ICC cases against UK and cry-baby WSR deferred) to hook me up with his cousin. Read all about it here. I tried evading the bullet as much as I could but it was tagged with those GPS thingies that can locate you even if you hide inside Rachel Shebeesh’s weave. 

So even after I sent the girl to a fool’s errand to Kawangware while she was thinking she was coming to Upper Hill, switched off my phone and all, she still managed to get me through the office line. Damn technology! I resigned to my fate that I had no choice but to meet her. I left the office for Equity Centre, dejected. 

I got to Equity Centre and realized I did not even know how she looked like. But my guess was that she would not be hard to trace. I should just look for someone who looks lost and out of place. I remembered my phone was still off, put it on and there were enough missed calls and texts for every lie we have been told by Ole Lenku and Karangi about Westgate. All texts were from one person save for one from Safaricom reminding me to pay up the okoa mandazi, I mean jahazi credit I had taken. I called her up. 

HER: I am at this nice open air hotel.

ME: Which one? Rocky?

HER: I don’t know. This place next to equity centre that has plastic chairs and…..

ME: (in my head) NOOOOOOO!

 For those who have never been to Upper Hill, let me explain something. There are vibandas near Equity Centre where I do not eat. Mwanaume ni class, na tuliambiwa you can pay for school but you can’t buy class. (Un)fortunately, these vibandas will be put down as Britam wants to construct a 30 storey building there. With Rahimtulla Tower a few blocks away and KCB constructing another 25+ storey building, there will be three tall buildings among the top five tallest buildings in the country in a radius of 250 metres. Anyone who wants to commit suicide in Upper Hill will be spoilt for choice.

Back to my boring story. I finally found her. She had ordered already…. Tea and mandazi!!!!! Yenyewe mluhya ni chai, coffee achia Shebeesh. (I know I am overdoing it with these stale jokes). But seriously, did any of you see how hot the sun was on Friday? How is it possible that someone would take tea, at 1 pm, at a place with no shade? The bill finally came and I almost disowned it. It was only Kshs. 110. That is the amount I will be leaving as tip when I become a bit rich.

 Time to leave came and I was to be a gentleman and take her to NHIF where she would get a jav to wherever she was going. It so happened that just after Britam, as we were heading to NHIF, she saw Rahimtulla Tower. Her eyes shot up like she had seen angel Gabriel. She started asking a million questions about the second tallest building and I felt like I would die. No sooner had she stopped asking questions, than she spotted someone who sells mihogo outside Capitol Police Station. And for some weird reason, she wanted some. (I mean the cassavas, not what some of you may be thinking.). She offered to buy for me, convinced me for like five minutes with little success. I will not be caught dead eating mihogo in the street. I also maintained a five metre radius thereafter till she boarded a jav.

 Her number has since been deleted, blacklisted and blocked among my contacts. I am told the only way to be safe is to change my name, move out of the country and probably enroll in a witness protection thing.

*This story is fiction.


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How To Avoid That Date You Do Not Want To Go To.

How To Avoid That Date You Do Not Want To Go To.

First, I need to make a few apologies. One is the fact that I have not written much over the last year or so. I was diagnosed with a serious case of writer’s block and I am still trying to cure it. This post is dedicated to the few of you who have been there for me during this trying time as I tried to rid myself of this bad disease. Secondly, I did something to this blog and just like that, I lost everything. If it is any consolation, I went to the bathroom to cry like WSR. I am still working on getting those posts back, but if it is not possible, we can just say I have started on a clean slate. On that note, do not mind the state of the blog and what not. Adjustments will be made in coming days. Third, the title was just to get your attention. 

So last Friday, I was, as usual, busy doing nothing – basically minding my own business and (like any Manchester United fan) wondering how Moyes was going to spoil the weekend for me – when out of nowhere, I got a phone call from a friend of mine. I quickly tried to recall if I owed him money or something like that. It was that time of the month (no pun intended) when someone who paid Kshs. 30/- fare for you (when Moi was still chancellor of all public universities) will call you and ask for his money back which has accrued interest at the rate of are-you-freaking-crazy-percent. This is how part of our convo went. 

HIM: Boss, my hot cuzo is in town. She is from Shamakhokho…

ME: (in my head) She is from what now?

ME: (on phone) Shama-what?

HIM: Pay attention Greatrnk. She is hot, I am giving you a Xavi through pass!

ME: (in my head) From Shamakhokho? I will pass… to the opposing goal keeper.

ME: I am kind of busy with work and all, I do not think I will…

HIM: I won’t take NO for an answer. Expect her phone call…

ME: You already gave her my ….

(Dialing tone……)

 Her call came in immediately, just as I was trying to call that idiot back. After the stupid introductions, this is what happened…

 HER: Can we meet before noon?

ME: (in my head) Are you freaking retarded?

ME: (on phone) That will be tricky, I am a bit busy. How about in the evening?

ME: (in my head) or never….

HER: I have a meeting at 10. Can I call you after the meeting?

ME: (in my head) I hope the meeting lasts till Jesus comes back.

ME: (on phone). Sure, no problem. TAKE YOUR TIME!!!!!! 

I hope you all noted that these convos were taking place before 10 am. Two hours later, when I had no recollection of what had transpired earlier in the day, guess who calls…. 

HER: I am done with my meeting…

ME: (in my head) So freaking fast!!!!!?!!

HER: I am at GPO, I was told you work at Upper Hill…

ME: (In my head) I will kill your cousin.

HER: Will it be faster if I took a boda boda?

ME: (in my head) Lord, why have you forsaken me?

HER: Hallo, are you there?

ME: Uhm…, yes …, I mean take bus number 46, ask them to drop you off at Equity Centre. 

I am not the smartest person, but you must admit that was pretty clever. Number 46 buses go to kawangware or something like that. I figured, by the time she found her bearing, I will be on my third beer in at my local. I switched off my phone. A major crisis had been averted. I put on my headphones and started listening to Chris Martin’s ‘Baby I Love You’ as my mind was filled with thoughts of Betty. (not the innocent girl heading to Kawangware). Mwanaume ni riddims, roots achia Rabbit (pun intended). Half an hour later, my office phone rang. 

RECEPTIONIST: Someone wants to talk to you, she says it’s urgent.

ME: (in my head) It is a few minutes to lunch on a Friday. This will have to wait till Monday.

ME: (on phone) Put him through…

RECEPTIONIST: It is a her…

ME: Greatrnk speaking…

HER: Hey, it’s me! Your phone is off. I just alighted at Equity Centre.

ME: (in my head) What the Fudge? How is that even possible? There is only one Equity Centre and it is not in Kawangware. Wait, how did she even get my office number.

HER: So how do I get to your office?

ME: (in my head) There is no freaking way you will get to my office and have my colleagues make fun of me for eternity and a half.

ME: (on phone) Where exactly are you I come get you?

HER: Near this tall building that is being built.

ME: (in my head) Good Lord, you are actually at Equity Centre!!!

ME: (on phone) Good Lord, you are actually at Equity Centre!!! 

So if it were you, what would you have done? Let me know and I will let you know what transpired next. To be continued…

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